Ontology, Narcissism, Counterfeit Care

1.

Ontology is the study of being. Psychologically, ontology is the idea of feeling real or substantial - of feeling like one matters.

Narcissism grows in a vacuum of care. If it appears that narcissism is culturally pervasive, I would argue that care is lacking in equal magnitude. To the degree that narcissism is present, care is absent. Care is intangible. This which makes it easy to talk about. Much of what passes as care is counterfeit care.

Care is fundamentally what makes a person real. Care is what gives a person a sense of their own substance.

The narcissist chases the feeling of being important, but he would be satisfied with simply feeling real, for being real is the same as being important. But he doubts his own reality, his own mattering. He has no way of holding his own meaningfullness, because he was taught at a young age that he was not meaningful. This is not necessarily a malicious process by the parents. But if not malicious it means the parents are operating under fear of looking into their own essence. This amounts to self of the narcissisit-to-be being sidelined by more powerful others. Along the way, the narcissist, mustered every creativity, worked to make his life shiny and important seeming. But he is the eternal tail chaser, the hungry ghost - always desirous, never content.

The child becomes real through care. This is the only way the child comes to feel real. The Pinocchio story of the puppet becoming real happens at a developmentally later stage. The child can be given care - he then has to find his courage to go on the adventure of his life. Feeling cared for alloyed with courage for adventure, whether small or large, and now we’re talking. The parent’s job is to care skillfully, they can model courage for their child, but they cannot choose for him.

There are many forms of relating to a child that are called care. Whether they are care is told in great measure by how substantial the child comes to feel in their own presence, in their own thoughts and feelings.

In simple form the child needs three things.

1. To be seen accurately by parents whom the child loves.

2. To be valued by the parents as being the same.

3. To be valued by the parents as being different.

If these are done well, the child will - 1. know pretty well who they are, 2. be able to feel intimacy, and 3. be able to go on their own specific life’s adventure.

The child finds their value by how they’re treated by the parents.

But if the parents finds their value by how they’re treated by the child, there is trouble.

The child will develop the appearance of a self, a false personality that dutifully caters to the emotional needs of the parents. But his self is mediated by the desires of others. He is not supported in learning himself, but is exploited for the self worth of the parents. The child will find his identity in that dutiful catering rather than in his own inner vital dynamism. But his identity is divorced from his natural self.

2.

In Ovid, the story of Narcissus starts in a way that ‘s rarely mentioned. The story begins with the rape of Narcissus’ mother. It goes like this. Liriope was a naiad - a spirit associated with water and healing. She was raped by Cephissus - a river god. Liriope was raped by Cephissus in a brook, and nearly drowned in the process. She was attacked at the site of her essence. Narcissus, then, conceived in rape.

This rape is rarely linked in the chain of events leading to the development of Narcissus’ character. Google says they were ‘joined’. Freud references Ovid’s Narcissus, but omits that the story starts with rape.

This rape is the essence of the father’s relation to tenderness or care. It’s a negation of the momentum of tenderness or care.